Makin' Latex

KINK ENGINEERING: The life and times of a latex saleswoman...

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To over-engineer is human..

The story of the incredible bread saw: A photo essay of over-design

In evidence that I do not ONLY work with latex stuffs to make great things, here is a story of unnecessary innovation which makes me damn happy.

A dark and stormy night… um… well… whatever.

Archean works part time at a bakery, which makes REALLY REALLY nice bread, but does not slice it. She gets a boule of bread each shift for free and we love the stuff!

So we have all this great bread around and far too much of it is going bad.  It’s going bad because we hate chopping off bits of our fingers cutting it up with an olde’ fashioned bread knife.


Seriously? I’m supposed to cut this rounded boule of bread, with a super mega yummy, crunchy but also mostly impregnable crust, using a razor sharp serrated knife with a loooongg blade that I can’t control with my ham fists, without ripping a hole in my finger that even my cat couldn’t do on his most crazy finger biting day.  I think not… oh, there goes another finger tip!   Who designed this god damned bread knife?  And what soft ass bread did they expect me to be cutting up?

 Gir the cat: “RAWWRRR, I’z going to bite ur… oh… Snap! Dud do youz no ur finger is totally F$#KED?  Grozzz…  
I’ll be by the food bowl trying not to be sick.”

Yes, we were cutting our fingers so badly that even our bloodthirsty cat was unimpressed (and perhaps feeing a bit redundant)

That’s it… I’m engineering this problem!  I need a tool that can handle the toughest of bread crusts with precision, power and most importantly… leaving me with 10 digits!

One shopping trip, a bit of woodwork and a lot of dish soap to clean up my masterpiece and make it cooking safe later…


the bread saw 1

Even the cat is impressed, as I slice off perfect 90 and 45 degree slices of bread. It is a beautiful old miter saw that rides on 4 machined steel posts as it rapidly rips off slice after slice of craft bread for my sandwichy needs…

the bread saw 2

What’s that? You want 78.5 degree slices of bread… why yes, I can do that for you.  64.3 degrees?  Yes sir! Coming right up!

My fingers, I am happy to say, have not been chopped off since making this device… other than by my piss-poor choice of cropping of this image in photoshop.  Oh the irony!

Now… to invent the icecream gatling-gun!

P.s. All old breadknives should now please make an orderly line for your… <pause> …moosey fate!

Filed under not-latex engineering bread wounds knife saw loaf slice awesome moosey fate